I find sadness in solitude when I bring my binge foods to it. There is a deep shame to this self-destructiveness. It starts when I walk out the door, heading to the grocery store. I'll just buy this, I think, as I walk up the street. By the time I'm at the corner, I'm adding to the list. And inside the store, I am in full numbness, auto-pilot, cruising the bakery aisles, the bulk food candy displays, the forty feet of different potato, corn, and rice chip options. I slink to the check-out, as if my selections are normal grocery purchases, instead of a clear binge. I feel a momentary pang at spending $12 or so a day on junk food but I'm anticipating the binge by now, impatient to get home and get started.
How is this any different than the drug addict who secrets herself away to use? If I'm honest, its the same behaviours, masking the same kind of pains. And causing the same kinds of problems -- spiritual bankruptcy, unhappiness, health problems, isolation and pain.
Today's reading says, in part:
Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day. Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions, once defeated me. Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I'm willing to look at them and see them for what they are.They are just feelings. I have brought the preconceived notion that feelings can hurt me, that I cannot cope with how I feel, that I need to numb myself for survival. What if this is not true? What if I can feel the despair and that will ease it? What I'm doing now is not working.
Day 1. Trying again.
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